Sharp.

So my attention was drawn to a rather funny article today. Time Magazine produced a piece on people who use Twitter to massage their own ego, some of the worst offenders showcased on the website tweetingtoohard.com. The submissions are then ranked and listed according to votes.

A good idea in theory, I'll admit. But a problem came when comedian Peter Serafinowicz caused a stir in the magazine by posting the following Tweet:



"Went to the gym this morning. As I left, everyone said I was the best!"

Incensed by the Tweet, the American magazine had trouble understanding the irony of this statement, and promptly included Serafinowicz's quote into their article. Asking him why he'd written something so arrogant, he replied:

"At my local gym, most of the guys (losers) are jealous of me, as (I don't wish to boast) I'm in great shape. I'm pretty sure that they call me names when I'm not around, so when they congratulated me for bench-pressing 180 pounds, I suppose I felt vindicated in some way, and wanted to tell the world about it."

Again, Time magazine took the statement at face value and made complete tits of themselves to the British public, posting it with both quotes.

Here's their article in its entirety.

Peter Serafanowicz 1, well-regarded American publication 0.

Milk?

It seems that it's been at least four minutes since anyone talked about Jade Goody, so her mum's taken the opportunity to dig it up again (sorry) with one of the most shameless acts of story-selling I've ever seen in my life. You can find the article here.

Apparently Jade's visited her mum twice, so she just HAD to give an interview about it. Now, I don't give a shit about the paranormal, but ghosts and delusional crackpots aside, isn't it a bit coincidental that this has happened to a woman who would sell her own daughter (oh wait...) if she could? Also a bit dodgy that Jade apparently had all interview fees donated to cancer charities. No money for Mummy then. So possibly an opportunity to line her pockets now that her daughter has no say?

Apparently the first occurence was a face in the clouds. What, something like this?



Also, apparently Jade wrote in a steamy mirror 'light a candle for me mum'. What dead person asks that? This whole thing sounds like a very bad film, something like P.S. I Love You. Ugh, how sickening.

Also, Jackiey goes on to talk about what Jade did in her final moments. Funny, I thought she'd have saved that for next week's News of the World, she'd get paid twice that way.

Hard to swallow.

Positively gorged on Come Dine with Me this evening. About 3 solid hours of it.

What is wrong with the contestants nowadays? I know they're going down the Wife Swap route of sticking weirder people in for entertainment value, but christ, some of them are just shocking.

On More4 this evening, a woman who leaves each party early for sleep, then on her own dinner, totally fucks up, then fucks off. Manages to turn pavlova into ovenbaked shit puddles, blends through a sieve trying to pulp raspberries, and serves prawn cocktail in an avocado skin. The guests try to be as supportive and patronising as possible, but the poor bitch is physically exhausted by visiting two people for dinner on two nights in a row and starts crying at the table. Then she fucks off to bed, leaving another guest to cook the main course.



Doesn't go too badly. Well, you know where you are with Old El Paso. Her guest calls her down for dinner, after 8 minutes of sleep (or so it says on the box), she stumbles downstairs, walking into a wall and a doorframe on the way. Maybe take off the eye mask first?

Dessert is meringue shit pancakes from earlier with fruit on. She starts crying again, and gets a fully deserved 9. Overall. Worst score ever. But bloody entertaining. There's nothing better than the pleasure of seeing someone fuck up that badly.

Highlight of my evening? Christopher Biggins on Celebrity Come Dine with Me (don't say you haven't seen it, that's bollocks and you know it). What did he do? Bought a trout mousse from Sainsbury's and lied about it to Edwina Currie. Then, while eating a souffle she made, asked inquisitively, "how many eggs are in this, Edwina?" If you don't find this funny, you need to do research here. This is two-way traffic you know, I expect you to do your bit, i.e. learn political history.


Apparently Edwina didn't know the eggs were dodgy.

Also, Biggins has a hysterical laugh, sends him red and everything. And anyone that pisses off Edwina Curry is alright in my book.

Scraping the barrel.

Channel 4, what the hell is going on?

I know Big Brother is launching soon but there's no reason to lose the plot. Some of these upcoming programme setups sound absolutely ludicrous.

First up, I'm Running Sainsbury's, where trolley pushers get to run the company for a while. So... people doing a job they're not qualified to do and messing it up? Or maybe a rags to riches Secret Millionaire style inspiridoc? Hope it's not the latter, getting nauseous at the thought of it. I hope they get someone really thick to do it. Knowing Channel 4, I probably won't be disappointed.

After that, live operations. The autopsy one was gross enough, with that mad German professor. Then again, if someone dies on live tv, could be an interesting moral question raised there. I'll stick with it, sounds like a laugh. Like watching someone playing Russian Roulette.



Oh wait, Derren Brown did that already, and that just ended up being a big load of bollocks. Then again, Derren Brown is a bit of a bellend, which I think changes everything. I think my disappointment came from the not losing bit.

Talented?

Ok, playing catch-up as I missed Britain's Got Talent, luckily it's on the website. Didn't want to miss this one as it's the last one with freaks in.

Good old Britain's Got Talent to cheer me up on a Saturday evening. What other programme showcases an OAP from a pudding factory singing 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight' followed by a man simultaneously juggling and eating apples? Helpfully backgrounded by the New World Symphony (Hovis theme tune to common people) as the music of choice. Erm, he works in a PUDDING FACTORY. Bread factory, fine. Baguettes, maybe. I'd even permiss sweetbreads. But PUDDING is not the same. Tits. Ever the pioneer, Simon helpfully suggests 'you should probably move it up to something bigger, like grapefruits or melons, something like that'. Well done Simon, always thinking.



Next up, Julia the naked Latvian belly dancer. Amanda Holden looks genuinely upset at the competition, although it doesn't take a naked Latvian to show her up, let's be honest. Also, didn't she marry Les Dennis for a bit? The mind boggles as to what the hell happened to her in those... 8 years. Poor cow. Turning over and seeing that mess of a human being next to her must have been an experience that would break the best of us.

Brother and sister dancing, pretty good, but, bit weird, no? Genius Simon concludes 'you have a great connection'. What, like SIBLINGS?

Anyway, I was desperate for a freak, and I got one. Nick Hell from Sunderland. Background music? The Addams Family. Fanfuckingtastic, I'm salivating waiting for this one. Accompanied by his fiancee, Sharon, or should I say Frodo? Ok, he's hanging shit from his ears. Sharon watches, great assisting. How the fuck is having loads of holes in yourself a talent?! Feel a bit nauseous now. Nick's words: 'I think the Queen will love it!' Seriously, what is wrong with that woman's face? Piers says yes to piss Simon off.... ooooh... rebel much?



Next up, man who can't play guitar, and OPERA TRANNY. Social worker is removed by security.

Oh wait! It's the cute kid bit now. Parents seem to be hippies, don't think they sent him to school, taught him drums instead. 'We love him, he hits drums instead of kittens like he used to'. Turns out to be quite good, although standing ovation by Amanda is a bit much. Ant screams 'HE'S A REALLY GOOD DRUMMER!!'. Jesus, alright. No need for the fucking S Club 7 'Never Had a Dream Come True' cliched bollocks. Stop fucking crying! I hate cute talented kids, they get on my fucking nerves. God, I feel sick. It's this bit in these talent shows that make me need to torture small animals to make the world right again. Even Michael Jackson kid gets in! What fucking parent would make their kid follow Michael Jackson as an example? Oh sorry, this is BGT. Negligent parents.

Dancing dog now. That dog is not fucking dancing. I don't care what anyone says. Simon's suggestion 'teach it to tap dance'. To be honest, might pay money to see that. Billy Elliot kid = urgh.



Man with shiny guitar now. Is that really a talent? Booooring. Oh jesus christ, he's trying to sing 'I Want to Break Free'. Bad move, even with ultra-shiny LEDs. It's like, erm, noone gives a shit about your lights? Why do people like him? HE PUT LIGHTS ON A GUITAR, then butchered Freddie Mercury. What a twat. Angry mum reaction is funny: 'oooh, you NASTY MAN'. He goes through but mum gets the arse and tries to help her son get more confidence by going out on stage and saying he has a confidence problem to the BRITISH PUBLIC?!



So, we're at the end of the auditions. Series highlight for me? Parrot that won't sing Take on Me. That said, his owner failed at it pretty badly too. Parrot win? I think so.

Oh BGT, shame it'll be shit from now on. Am I the only one who doesn't care who wins? I only watch these things for the freaks in the audition stages. Everyone knows Susan Boyle's going to win. Blergh, how typically British of us all.

Loose.

Why hasn't Loose Women been pulled yet? It feels like it's been going for centuries. Maybe it has, its effect on weekday mornings has made time lose all meaning for me. Never before has a programme had such an ironic title in my life. The only one the term 'loose' applies to is that 'butch' one, you know, the one that drinks pints and that and not gin and tonic or some other equally old-fashioned drink. So the point of this show is airing on the premise of something feminist whilst portraying the masculinised one as a freak in an attempt to take us back to 1920s gender politics? Something tells me that power like that shouldn't be in the hands of such dense people. The rest of the coven are just a bunch of hormonal freaks who shout 'we don't need men!' one minute, then write love notes to send to George Clooney's fan club the next. Three married women; two of which baby machines, one barren, two spinsters who like it that way, a couple of nymphos and a lesbian. Representative of the British female population. Good. Well researched, you bunch of backwards lab specimens.

Denise Welch fronts the feminist campaign by getting her tits out for Russell Brand.


What's worse, now they're auditioning female hopefuls to add to their pack. Am I the only one who thinks they need more than a new panel member to turn that car accident of a show around?

Then again, this is ITV so... we should be thankful that their daytime selection is there to make us all go out and get jobs.

Jeremy Kyle seen in Sheffield playground.

Not content with verbally berating the less intellectual members of the British public on his show, Jeremy Kyle has been let loose on the streets of... Sheffield to single-handedly tackle knife crime. Never before has a television premise promised so much and delivered so little.

The result ended up being Jeremy driving around with a black man telling him 'how it is on the street', chasing after teenagers in balaclavas in playgrounds and getting angry at drug dealers.



Then, in some kind of Sister Act-esque plotline, he decides to solve the problem of knife crime with... a disco. I can't fucking wait. 'It won't be like any club, it'll be open late and everything'. God, why didn't anyone else think of that? Because it's a shit idea, that's why. In fact, does it even classify as an idea to make a club for teenagers who like to stab each other? It sounds like more of a sport to me.

Funniest moment on the show? Jeremy confronts a teenager who threatens to smash up his camera. Jeremy retorts 'I'm not scared of you and your little threats', to which the kid replies that he means it. Jeremy responds by running to his car, muttering some excuse about not achieving anything here.

Way to go Jeremy, you just got owned by a 12 year old.

But I was in the army!

Ben Clarke is gone from the Apprentice. Thank Christ. Then again, I'm still a bit annoyed that motormouth Debrah Barr didn't go. When is she going to stop blaming everyone else for her own mistakes?

Also, surely nobody can forge a career in business when they talk like a Brixton teenager? Then again, at least we don't need to hear about Sandhurst anymore. Finally Alan said what we have been waiting for, for about erm... 6 weeks?

"When are you going to shut the fuck up about Sandhurst? I don't give a shit!".



Ok, that's not exactly what he said. I embellished it a bit. I'm sure that's what he would have said if he didn't have Ofcom breathing down his neck.

Saucily barbed.

HellOOO theaar! I hope you'll be WAtching thees since I have an amAZingly FRUIty voice!!

What on earth is it with all the mental voice overs nowadays? It started off with that Geordie on Big Brother. Then it was the E4 'oh look at me and my comedic voice' man, and now with Come Dine with Me being all about the talking man and the fact that the poor sods of contestants can't hear him.



This is the Come Dine with Me Man. I bet you've never seen him before have you? Here's a quote from his online portfolio.

"Down-to-earth & engaging. Sarcastic & great timing. Well known voice of C4's Come Dine With Me: "Dave Lamb's saucily barbed voice over is a gourmet delight in its own right". Metro, 20 June 2008."

Saucily barbed voice? LOL.

It seems that you need either a northern accent or confused intonation to work in Channel 4 as a voice over artist. Fuck Attenborough, we've moved on.

Political gameshows minus politics = FAIL.

Ok, I have to do it. It's an important part of our heritage. What makes the British... well, British. And that thing is, being shit at Eurovision. Seriously, not only are we there year after year, but we're funding the thing to the point where we can't duck out because they need us to keep the thing running. We're actually paying for our own humiliation.

I heard the BBC decided against public opinion to publish an apology before the airing of Eurovision 2009 about Graham Norton doing the commentary. Apparently he was the only person dickheaded enough to think he could fill Terry Wogan's boots. Jesus wept. I don't intend to run down every single country, because most of them were shit. Russian woman singing whilst simultaneously aging and weeping? I was almost in tears by the end, but not because I actually cared. In Soviet Russia, Eurovision sings you! Anyway, here's some highlights:

Israel

Going a bit political with a Palestinian and a Jew doing a duet about the crisis in the Middle East. Caused a bit of a stink with the Arabs apparently, who wanted Palestinian Mira Awad to step down from Eurovision, which they called 'propaganda for a racist state'. It just looked like a lesbian love song to me.

Denmark



Dane Brinck enters with 'Believe Again', written by... RONAN KEATING? Come to mention it, kinda looks like him to. So that's where he's been... I guess the only thing to do now is hope that the poor bastards keep him there.

Finland



Bomfunk MC rejects do some kind of 'F-f-f-freeSTYlah!' thing. But with fire breathing. But rubbish fire breathing. Should've stuck with Lordi, that was class. Ugly teenagers behind rubber masks and keyboards = instant Eurovision rapport.

Norway



Norweigan Zac Efron steals the competition with 'Fairytale'. Now ready for a career in Hollyoaks. My mum voted for him. Did yours?

Albania



Girl in tutu dances tango with potential rapist in Mystique outfit flanked by moving ventriloquist dummies. Proof if any that we need to keep a watchful eye on those developing nations.

United Kingdom



Seriously. World's most dull woman Jade sings boring song written by cheese-faced lizard Andrew Lloyd Webber. Next year's entry will probably be like Albania's entry, except with Graham Norton in the tutu. Improvement? Possible.


So, after seeing the results, my conclusion? None. My point? None. Kind of like Eurovision. What's the fucking point without Terry Wogan getting drunk and being casually racist towards the contestants? Politics broke the man. And what's Eurovision without the politics? Evidentally from this year's show, BORING.

Treading water.

Who watches ITV? Anybody? No, me neither.

The only thing that really surprised me about ITV sacking a huge proportion of their staff was that they didn't do it earlier. Or just shut down. In fact, I'd go as far to say that they're trying to market ITV2 as a better channel than its terrestrial counterpart nowadays, with adverts featuring an array of money-hungry fashion victims who seemingly make programmes for free if it will guarantee them a perfume contract. Maybe that's how they're still in business.

Troubled times seem to continue, however, as it seems that their two brightest celebrities, Peter Andre and Katie Price have now split up. Christ, I didn't see that coming. Anyway, it's really put a raincloud over the ITV barbecue, seeing as Katie and Peter: Stateside is only halfway through airing, and some fear it may affect viewing figures when audiences know their 'relationship' is a sham. Then again, in my experience, I don't think it's as bad as they imagine. After all, what's more fun to do on a weekday evening than watch the crumbling relationship of two people that you wouldn't be able to promise that you wouldn't set fire to if you met them?

Peter's attempts to bring up someone else's disabled child is certainly admirable. Sadly, nobody's fooled. Not even Harvey.



So except for a bit of car crash tv, what does ITV have to offer us? Simon Cowell. Which basically equates to more car crash tv. People willing to trade in their dignity at the door to be humiliated on a stage as they try desperately to impress despite a complete lack of anything which could be described as talent. Luckily the producers had the foresight to give this show the most ironic title that could possibly be imagined: Britain's Got Talent.

So this is pretty straightforward freakshow fare, we position ourselves as the superior ones for not being on the show, taking pleasure from the deluded members of our society who will perform for us. But a few weeks ago, the oh so simple positioning of us and the performer was twisted out of shape with the arrival of Susan Boyle.



Now, those with eyes will notice that she's not the most attractive lady to grace this planet. In television talent show terms, this generally means some kind of inbreed who's decided to have a go at becoming Britain's next chart-topper. Cue hysteric laughter. But no, she ruined everything by being talented. Although, I would argue, not particularly talented, it's just the anomalous correlation of beauty vs. talent makes it necessary for everyone to herald her as some kind of musical Messiah who will take us to a higher level of appreciation for music. All bow before the singing hairy cornflake.

So, great, people have learned that music's about the music, and not the looks of the artist. Forums were filled with praise for this woman, and tabloids hyperbolised her talent. However, all struggled with the issue of actually describing the situation as was, which was: 'Oh my GOD she's so ugly yet can sing! A miracle!' Obviously, nobody wanted to say that, and this woman was somewhat of a revolution in what we thought was an established television format. An aborration, maybe. So those that praised her, got her to have a makeover.



Wow! I barely recognise her! Get that woman a recording contract, the haircut's cinched it.