Tuesday, 7 April 2009

Dying on their arses.

We're living in a country with an atrocious education system, and not a sniff of a decent health service. Whose fault is it? Tony Blair's? 'The Economy'? The Daily Mail? Christ no, it's those damn teenagers (again).

Channel 4 has helpfully produced a programme with a not-at-all-blinkered insight into a hospital ward full of the type of louts you see stumbling around the city centre of [insert town here] on a Friday night. Not only are they drinking themselves silly and pumping their veins full of smack, they're using out hospitals to fix them so they can go out to do it all over again the following week. Thanks to 'The Hospital', we know who to squarely blame for our health crisis.

Luckily, their researchers seem to have misplaced the facts and figures about what is draining the NHS. I guess it would spoil their angle a little. Dare I say it, I think they consciously decided to omit the stuff that contradicted them. Like that the majority of alcoholics (you know, the ones that need new livers and the like) are middle-aged, middle-class adults. Nah, can't remember them mentioning that. Or that 50% of smokers die from their habit, usually needing several operations and frequent hospital care during their lifetimes? Darn, they forgot that too. Careful, soon people might start to think this educational piece of television is in some way biased.

Luckily, teenagers won't be offended by this media hyperbole, because they're too busy out drinking themselves to death and stabbing strangers in a drug-fuelled frenzy, rather than watching documentaries like this. To hell with it, let's raise those top-up fees! That'll teach the little bastards.

Monday, 6 April 2009


Whilst money is scarce, it appears that our British formats are fleeing to more affluent climes. It seems I can't turn over to the last bastion of decent British television that is... E4... without seeing my 'favourite' reality TV shows suffixed with 'US'. This, to me, a guarantee that they'll be even lower brow than they were before.

We have a full-scale national crisis on our hands. That is, that Gordon Ramsay will not stop until his name (and scarred, melted Stilton-like face) is on every TV show, book, game, CD and bottle of gin in the country. And abroad. Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares USA is in its second season, and is showing no signs of stopping. Fortunately for those who enjoy watching it, the participants seem to prioritise the thrill of an hour on telly over their own livelihoods, especially when taking into account that 50% of the restaurants shut down less than a year after Ramsay took his sweaty ham fists to their businesses.

It's arguable as to what is being achieved in each episode anyway. If you squint hard enough and press the pause button at the right moment, you'll notice that:


So, in short. The entire episode was fictional. Do you feel robbed? I can understand how many hearts went out to the restaurant manager with 'daddy wasn't there' issues. Luckily they solved it with a Rocky-esque montage. Forget the food. Teach that man to box.

Speaking of which, do they cook? Actually, I can't remember. Maybe that's where they're going wrong.