Wednesday, 17 June 2009

How clean?

All the other channels have died an early death while Big Brother's on, and seem to be completely refusing to show anything that might get a few viewers in case BB nicks them. So, this is why I'm watching How Clean is Your House, because frankly, it's teatime, and there's no other reason for me to spoil my tea by looking at dirty people's houses than the simple fact that otherwise I'll have to watch Big Brother's Big Mouth.

And nobody would wish that on anyone.

So here I am watching Kim and Aggie sniffing a farmhouse that's caked in shit. After the initial swabbing to find out what kind of dirt it is (involving ridiculously long-winded and expensive lab tests), the pair divulge their increasingly bizarre home-made cleaning products for getting rid of it. Now, I'm no expert on the subject, but if a swab of the tables came back showing evidence of salmonella, I'd clean it with bleach, toilet duck, anything that burns. But Kim has a better idea, smearing the table with COFFEE instead.

Ok, great. Coffee for the tables, sour milk for brass, what's next? Cat's piss for the windows? It's called Dettol. What's wrong with that? Why have we achieved something if we clean with food?

It's fine, I'll chuck out my kitchen roll and sponges and clean with a loaf of bread soaked in Ribena from now on.

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