Apathy

So here I am, sat with nothing on telly and nothing to do, chomping at the bit for bedtime. It's around these times that I start to think 'I need to write in that fucking blog', but more importantly learn some uncomfortable truths about my own state of mind.

Allow me to make myself clear; I am suffering with fever but I feel mentally sound enough to speak with clarity and coherence. Finding something to do can take hours, and then I'll never get that early night I've been planning for about 7 years. As I begin to wonder how to spend my time in a way that isn't 'wasteful', I inadvertently waste that time. All that comes out of this pattern of behaviour is an overly warm laptop and bitten nails.

More worrying is my fussiness over how to spend my time. When not watching 'an important film', reading Russian literature or learning a language/instrument, I begin panicking that I'm wasting good learning time, and ultimately, that I won't know enough 'stuff' before I die.

This pattern of behaviour has led to countless hobbies, soon my knowledge of the Swedish language will be additioned by 'guitar lessons'. All of this recklessly expensive, and most likely a selfish endeavour to make myself more cultured and interesting to the other folk.

True, this article doesn't take the same format to most other entries, although it has to be said that 'a funny vid I found on that website' isn't a format in the strictest sense. Even now, I'm hoping that finishing this article will expand my knowledge in some way, improve me as a human being.

Next: Finish a Dostoevsky, learn to use Ableton Live, improve my French and groom the cat. Life is meaningless without a 'to do' list.