Brian "John Leslie" McFadden.

Since leaving Westlife, Brian McFadden has been doing his own lyrics, which are, if truth be told, a bit rapey.

The Deliverance banjo accompaniment doesn't really help his defence either.



In summary: hide your wife, hide your kids, because Brian's raping everybody out here.

Novelty.

It's Saturday, and bang on time, Liz Jones vomits another vapid, superficial article into her Daily Mail column. I'm completely aware that I'm making a rod for my own back trawling through this rubbish, which is clearly not aimed at me, but my question about all this really is, who the fuck is it for?

Then again, maybe it's a sign of the times. I mean, it's only a mere few weeks since the woman attempted anything resembling real journalism by marauding through the Joanna Yeates murder scene like some kind of demented stalker. Considering she does little more than pointless weekly experiments of 'oh god look at me trying to live like a normal person without my BMW/spa treatments/vegan yoghurt', maybe it was too much, too soon. With her career going from strength to strength, this week she's going to Tesco's. The humanity.

Apparently the chain is now offering spa treatments and in the interests of pioneering female journalism, Liz is going along to see what it's like.Lara Logan must be absolutely shitting herself.

It's probably the most boring article I've ever read, but that aside, I struggle to see what the woman is for. She writes in a manner that only serves to royally fuck off the people who are reading her articles, the people that are supposed to ultimately relate to them. She's meant to be reviewing this place, but literally can't manage a paragraph without reminding us that usually she wouldn't be seen in this sort of establishment, that the normal people are making her feel nauseous, or simply some unexplained reference to a cream Helmut Lang trouser suit to emphasise exactly how much expensive shit she has.
Well fuck me sideways, I had no idea this woman was privileged, did you? Even the posing in a dressing gown with a shopping trolley (with no dairy in it, heaven forbid) reeks of 'how hilarious that I'm in a supermarket, when usually I'm sitting watching Loose Women and drinking organic Pinot Noir, waiting for the Ocado man to arrive'.

Well I'm glad she found the inner strength to drag herself out of the house to have her manicure and haircut, otherwise I would have felt robbed.

Rastafuck.

When your article is just missing that smattering of quotes to make your ridiculous stance credible, Mumsnet is an invaluable tool.

The CBeebies show Rastamouse, features the titular character playing in a reggae band, and speaking in Jamaican Patois. This seems to have caught the attention of Jonathan Wynne-Jones and Jasper Copping from the Telegraph, who have quickly jumped on the show as 'provoking compaints of racism'. Unfortunately, it seems all of the hundred or so complaints come from a bunch of absolute fucktards. How this article was a two-man job is absolutely beyond my realm of understanding.

One mother on the Mumsnet forum, using the name TinyD4ncer, says she is concerned her child be attacked for repeating some of the Jamaican Patois phrases used by the mouse.

"The thing I'm most worried about is her saying the words like 'Rasta' and going up to a child and saying (these) things ... my child is white and I feel if she was to say this to another child who was not white that it would be seen as her insulting the other child."

Maybe this has escaped my purview entirely but as far as I was aware, 'Rasta' never has or will be used as an insult in a playground situation. I would also probably challenge the claim that her child is going to be attacked, as implied (actually, fuck it, said) by the author, for using this word.

I don't claim to be any kind of expert in the accuracy of representation of this Rastafarian mouse, but when ALL your quotes are from forums, written in appalling English and gathered in the time it takes to make a cup of tea, my Spidey-sense starts to tingle that bad journalism is afoot.

Secondly, I would also argue that websites such as Mumsnet and BumpandBaby are going to be goldmines for paranoiic and dramatic opinions to bolster any non-article.

An important rule for any budding journalists out there, if the people you're lifting quotes from online have admitted that they have little to no knowledge on the subject they're imparting an opinion on, probably best to cut that bit out:

Another parent, on Bumpandbaby.com, says: "just watched a couple videos .. i'm going to say it is racist".

Well thanks, 'Another parent'. Care for some context, reasoning, grammar? No? Oh ok... my mistake.

The first result on Google Image search is the one they went with, funny that.

The Rastafarian mouse, who leads a band called the Easy Crew and speaks in Jamaican Patois, uses phrases such as "me wan go" ("I want to go"), "irie" ("happy"), "wagwan" ("what's going on?"). His mission is to "make a bad ting good".

I wish Rastamouse had worked on your fucking article, boys.

What did I do wrong?

Don't hate me. I'll do something proper soon.

Anyway, watch these rapping rapists. I mean, what?