Good old Britain's Got Talent to cheer me up on a Saturday evening. What other programme showcases an OAP from a pudding factory singing 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight' followed by a man simultaneously juggling and eating apples? Helpfully backgrounded by the New World Symphony (Hovis theme tune to common people) as the music of choice. Erm, he works in a PUDDING FACTORY. Bread factory, fine. Baguettes, maybe. I'd even permiss sweetbreads. But PUDDING is not the same. Tits. Ever the pioneer, Simon helpfully suggests 'you should probably move it up to something bigger, like grapefruits or melons, something like that'. Well done Simon, always thinking.
Next up, Julia the naked Latvian belly dancer. Amanda Holden looks genuinely upset at the competition, although it doesn't take a naked Latvian to show her up, let's be honest. Also, didn't she marry Les Dennis for a bit? The mind boggles as to what the hell happened to her in those... 8 years. Poor cow. Turning over and seeing that mess of a human being next to her must have been an experience that would break the best of us.
Brother and sister dancing, pretty good, but, bit weird, no? Genius Simon concludes 'you have a great connection'. What, like SIBLINGS?
Anyway, I was desperate for a freak, and I got one. Nick Hell from Sunderland. Background music? The Addams Family. Fanfuckingtastic, I'm salivating waiting for this one. Accompanied by his fiancee, Sharon, or should I say Frodo? Ok, he's hanging shit from his ears. Sharon watches, great assisting. How the fuck is having loads of holes in yourself a talent?! Feel a bit nauseous now. Nick's words: 'I think the Queen will love it!' Seriously, what is wrong with that woman's face? Piers says yes to piss Simon off.... ooooh... rebel much?
Next up, man who can't play guitar, and OPERA TRANNY. Social worker is removed by security.
Oh wait! It's the cute kid bit now. Parents seem to be hippies, don't think they sent him to school, taught him drums instead. 'We love him, he hits drums instead of kittens like he used to'. Turns out to be quite good, although standing ovation by Amanda is a bit much. Ant screams 'HE'S A REALLY GOOD DRUMMER!!'. Jesus, alright. No need for the fucking S Club 7 'Never Had a Dream Come True' cliched bollocks. Stop fucking crying! I hate cute talented kids, they get on my fucking nerves. God, I feel sick. It's this bit in these talent shows that make me need to torture small animals to make the world right again. Even Michael Jackson kid gets in! What fucking parent would make their kid follow Michael Jackson as an example? Oh sorry, this is BGT. Negligent parents.
Dancing dog now. That dog is not fucking dancing. I don't care what anyone says. Simon's suggestion 'teach it to tap dance'. To be honest, might pay money to see that. Billy Elliot kid = urgh.
Man with shiny guitar now. Is that really a talent? Booooring. Oh jesus christ, he's trying to sing 'I Want to Break Free'. Bad move, even with ultra-shiny LEDs. It's like, erm, noone gives a shit about your lights? Why do people like him? HE PUT LIGHTS ON A GUITAR, then butchered Freddie Mercury. What a twat. Angry mum reaction is funny: 'oooh, you NASTY MAN'. He goes through but mum gets the arse and tries to help her son get more confidence by going out on stage and saying he has a confidence problem to the BRITISH PUBLIC?!
So, we're at the end of the auditions. Series highlight for me? Parrot that won't sing Take on Me. That said, his owner failed at it pretty badly too. Parrot win? I think so.
Oh BGT, shame it'll be shit from now on. Am I the only one who doesn't care who wins? I only watch these things for the freaks in the audition stages. Everyone knows Susan Boyle's going to win. Blergh, how typically British of us all.
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