Political gameshows minus politics = FAIL.

Ok, I have to do it. It's an important part of our heritage. What makes the British... well, British. And that thing is, being shit at Eurovision. Seriously, not only are we there year after year, but we're funding the thing to the point where we can't duck out because they need us to keep the thing running. We're actually paying for our own humiliation.

I heard the BBC decided against public opinion to publish an apology before the airing of Eurovision 2009 about Graham Norton doing the commentary. Apparently he was the only person dickheaded enough to think he could fill Terry Wogan's boots. Jesus wept. I don't intend to run down every single country, because most of them were shit. Russian woman singing whilst simultaneously aging and weeping? I was almost in tears by the end, but not because I actually cared. In Soviet Russia, Eurovision sings you! Anyway, here's some highlights:

Israel

Going a bit political with a Palestinian and a Jew doing a duet about the crisis in the Middle East. Caused a bit of a stink with the Arabs apparently, who wanted Palestinian Mira Awad to step down from Eurovision, which they called 'propaganda for a racist state'. It just looked like a lesbian love song to me.

Denmark



Dane Brinck enters with 'Believe Again', written by... RONAN KEATING? Come to mention it, kinda looks like him to. So that's where he's been... I guess the only thing to do now is hope that the poor bastards keep him there.

Finland



Bomfunk MC rejects do some kind of 'F-f-f-freeSTYlah!' thing. But with fire breathing. But rubbish fire breathing. Should've stuck with Lordi, that was class. Ugly teenagers behind rubber masks and keyboards = instant Eurovision rapport.

Norway



Norweigan Zac Efron steals the competition with 'Fairytale'. Now ready for a career in Hollyoaks. My mum voted for him. Did yours?

Albania



Girl in tutu dances tango with potential rapist in Mystique outfit flanked by moving ventriloquist dummies. Proof if any that we need to keep a watchful eye on those developing nations.

United Kingdom



Seriously. World's most dull woman Jade sings boring song written by cheese-faced lizard Andrew Lloyd Webber. Next year's entry will probably be like Albania's entry, except with Graham Norton in the tutu. Improvement? Possible.


So, after seeing the results, my conclusion? None. My point? None. Kind of like Eurovision. What's the fucking point without Terry Wogan getting drunk and being casually racist towards the contestants? Politics broke the man. And what's Eurovision without the politics? Evidentally from this year's show, BORING.