Monday, 31 August 2009

Massive C.

Like a door with manitee hanging from it (unhinged... BOOM BOOM), Glenn Bleck adds 'illiterate' to his list of handicaps.

An absolutely hysterical clip I found on YouTube.

Not to worry, Glenn. There's a massive example of the letter you're missing standing next to the blackboard.

Thursday, 27 August 2009

Mad as hell, and not gonna take it anymore.

Glenn Beck's darkest days are approaching, and he seems to know that too, judging by the recent speech he made on Fox News.

After calling President Barrack Obama a racist without a hint of irony on his television show, Beck is feeling the heat due to a public backlash.

A number of the show's sponsors have pulled out, requesting that their ads are not featured during, or either side of Beck's show. Some have pulled out altogether from the Fox News Network, most notably courier firm UPS. All other sponsors are facing increasing amounts of pressure from their clients, some threatening to boycott the companies, should they continue to advertise on Fox.

Glenn Beck's response to these events is very much inkeeping with Beck's general sense of decorum, in that he is responding by sobbing on air and comparing his life to the life of 'America', 'almost' to the point of lunacy.

"I was a dirtbag, but not anymore", bawls Beck. One wonders if this is some sort of halfway apology, but Beck quickly begins rambling on about his alcoholism, which assumedly he was saving for a special occasion (very much like a fine wine, some may say).

Apparently this all fits in with America. Beck's speech quickly makes way for ludicrously saccarine patriotism, where he compares his values with those of the Declaration of Independence. Really? I don't remember the bit about rampant racism and borderline Holocaust denial, but I'll let that pass for now, since the man is in tears and clearly not in a good way. I'm sure his tears are on behalf of the public's loss of his services, and not any personal selfishness or anxiety of the imminent sacking coming his way.

He's hanging by a solitary thread, and the insanity card has been played too many times. Could this be the end for the master of crocodile tears and on-air lunacy?

Wednesday, 26 August 2009

Hannan lobbies for US visa.

Professional backstabber Dan Hannan is continuing to prostitute his politics over the Atlantic, appearing in an interview with Paul Waugh to discuss his plans to become the official voice of British public sector politics in the States.

As if his healthcare scaremongering on Fox wasn't enough, Hannan feels the need to restress the comparison of the NHS with some kind of nuclear disaster, a comparison that only seems to make sense in his own warped mind.

Noticeably smug in the interview, Hannan seems to attribute his internet 'popularity' to the groundbreaking nature of his views, and comes to the decision that people came to some sort of 'eureka' moment when watching him slither his way onto the Glenn Beck show. At this point, I do start to wonder if Hannan realises that all publicity is good publicity for his purposes. I suspect he does, which would certainly explain why he continues his campaign of targeting Americans with limited knowledge of the British healthcare system.

Hannan's approach is similar to telling a blind man the weather, and he is inhabiting a dangerous territory. It is clear that he was aware of this, targeting only the furthest rightwing groups in America in order to guarantee there would be no hostility towards his views. What a pioneer for British politics.

In this most recent interview, he announces his admiration of Enoch Powell, a role model known for his anti-immigration and Common Market views. When considering the consequences of Nigel Hastilow's remarkably similar comments, this marks Hannan moving onto extremely shaky territory in terms of his position as an MEP.

I hope he has some ideas for a long-term career riding the YouTube wave, since it seems like he is rapidly surfing his way towards the end of his current occupation.

Saturday, 22 August 2009

Kerry Katona dropped from supermarket.

Pun intended?

It's all going wrong for Kerry. Humiliated on telly, with and without her approval, married to a philandering neanderthal who looks like a chav who's won the lottery, and now the subject of drugs accusations (again). Admittedly, these three unfortunate afflictions bleed into one another somewhat, with examples such as Kerry being intoxicated with some sort of il/legal drug on morning TV, and her doting husband touching up a stripper on camera.

Oh, woe is she. Now some Murdoch Sunday red-top which I will keep anonymous (although it seems to think it has some kind of positive reputation as reporting the "News of the World") has somehow got its greasy little hands on a video of Kerry snorting some coke in her bathroom.

To be fair, it's pretty conclusive (not that many of us needed proof of this), but I think the eerie music does a good job to spell out the sense of foreboding and impending evil for the average (eight year old) reader:

It's great that the British press are not above bugging a troubled celebrity's house, or paying her 'friends' ridiculous sums to do it for them. Otherwise, where would we get our daily fix of celebrity based mockery? Oh... Katie Price... sorry, I forgot about her.

It seems that Iceland is not up for having Kerry on their books anymore, since this event means that her presence on the ads would reflect badly on the brand. Aren't people like (the portrayal of) Kerry Katona their target audience? Quick line, then bang down a pack of frozen fish fingers. You need to be a hardcore junkie just to keep them in.

First thing that springs to my mind: Does this mean Kerry loses her staff discount?

Monday, 17 August 2009

Celebrity Wife Swap: Tessa Sanderson and Ron Atkinson

Fair play to Channel Four, they really know how to cause social awkwardness. Then put it on the telly.

This week's celebrities swapping lives were 'Big' Ron Atkinson, and Tessa Sanderson. In case the penny hasn't dropped yet, one is a TV pundit whose career was crucified after calling a football player the 'N' word live on Sky Sports. And Tessa? She's black. And good with a javelin. Yum.

As if the setup couldn't be improved, Ron's also a bit of a chauvanist pig, which doesn't sit well with gold medalist Tessa.

Some highlights include his poor bitch of a wife being forced to tell a group of young black kids what her husband said after he thought they'd gone to an ad break. Ron's take on the subject wasn't great from a PR point of view.

TESSA: So, about the thing you said on TV...
RON: NO! *Whistles* Full time! No comment! [Author's note: I don't think whistles work outside football matches, Ron.]
TESSA: But...
RON: She's put you up to this hasn't she? *Gestures off camera*
PRODUCER: [Indignantly] No I haven't!

Ron's refusal to discuss it kind of pissed on Channel 4's bonfire a bit, since the rest of the episode was pretty banal (trying to get a middle-aged man to eat greens isn't fun to do or watch), but nevertheless, worth it for the setup alone.

On second thought, I withdraw my last comment, after accidentally pausing on Big Ron's 'tomato-eating' face.

Sunday, 16 August 2009

Jihadi comedy: 'Four Lions' screenshots released

After months of baited breath, I am proud to announce that there has been news on Chris Morris' latest project; Four Lions.

The satirist responsible for projects such as The Day Today and Brass Eye has been in relative hiding in recent years, doing painstaking research into Muslim culture and the nature of suicide bombing, in one of his bravest moves yet; a 'jihadi comedy'.

There is no doubt that Four Lions is going to cause huge waves, but the question remains, where? Morris has reportedly been speaking to everyone from armed police to security experts to Muslim community workers. That and getting into a fight with Martin Amis. The expectation is that, like Brass Eye, this will cause a large amount of offence, especially due to the volatility of the subject matter, something on a par with the Danish cartoons which set a large group of extremist Muslims at war with the Danes.

But I don't believe that Morris took this project on simply to start a tornado of Islami-political hell. There is no doubt that this will be the most challenging project he's ever done, and my gut tells me that he would not use the opportunity to simply offend as many Muslims as possible.

The project has some great names attached to it, the named so far include Peep Show writers Sam Bain and Jesse Armstrong, as well as staple Morris comics such as Kevin Eldon.

We seem to be barely months from the first genuine 'jihadi comedy' feature film. There is no doubt that this will severely shake up the Western stance towards Islam in one way or another. However, I think if there's one person who can handle this gig, it's Morris.

The production company has reportedly said that the film's 'tornado of industry is now trapped and humming in a box'. It's certainly worth being there when that box is opened.

Friday, 14 August 2009


In a marked step against the Republicans (or should I say 'Ruperblicans'?) running amok in the US re: healthcare reform, writer of Father Ted, Graham Linehan has stepped in to spearhead a pro-NHS campaign.

Barrack Obama has produced plans for a (long overdue) healthcare reform, which would create a US healthcare system very similar to our own NHS. Of course, this has sent the right wingers wild, and how else would they show their disdain than by infiltrating the Fox Network? Oh wait, I got that wrong, they're already there. And they took guns to their protest. Always important to come well-equipped to a political protest, I say. Or as one young protester said: 'it would be silly to take an unloaded weapon, wouldn't it?'

Nice to know these people have a good head on their shoulders.

Anyway, Graham Linehan fought back against the likes of hyperbolic gasbag Bill O' Reilly and his pet, Glenn Beck, by creating the Twitter hashtag #welovetheNHS, and starting a global movement. Within hours, thousands, which soon became hundreds of thousands of British people shared their stories of positive NHS experiences, in order to drown out the hysterical Republicans barking their incoherent patriobabble across the television networks.

So successful is this campaign, it seems to be snowballing into a possible Murdoch boycott, possibly one of the most effective so far. Here's a bit of Linner talking about his unlikely campaign:

If you want to be a part of it, here's the companies you should avoid.

And as a little tribute, I've created the #weloveGlinner hashtag for people to show their appreciation for the campaign. If you wish to use Twitter to show your support, I suggest you use it too.

Friday, 7 August 2009

Ready, Steady.

Seems like all this insta-fame is getting too much for Chanelle Hayes. If you don't remember her, she walked out of BB8, went out with a disfigured mannequin called 'Ziggy' long enough for a lucrative OK! Magazine deal, then released a shit single in her pants. Feel free to interpret that last one any way you wish.

It has been reported that she attempted suicide after a row with her boyfriend. After seeing half of her behaviour in relationships, I can't say I'm surprised. A little melodramatic may be the polite way of putting it. By the way, the reason there's no photo for this entry is I couldn't find any where she didn't have her tits out. Go figure.

Anyway, I was having a look around, and I found this little bit of video which provides a casing point. Was this the turning point for Chiggy's relationship? Maybe.

I lol'd. Especially when she shouted 'can me mam 'ave it?!' as the camera panned away.

So, word of warning for those in sham relationships brought on by tempting magazine deals: don't go on Ready Steady Cook, it'll be your undoing.